Retrospective

Sometimes I feel like medical school is eerily similar to undergrad.

When I first went to Wash U, I was coming out of a mid-size public high school. I was in the top ten of my class and had run varsity throughout my career. I was used to being good - never the best in my class, but solid. Wash U was a shock. Each year about 1/3 to 1/2 of the class is pre-med. And it's fierce. I remember sitting in class not understanding the questions other people were asking. Part of that was because I was half-asleep from dawn practice, but part of it was because I had never had AP chem/physics and wasn't interested enough to compensate on my own. Of course, the same thing happened with running. I will never be a national-level runner. That's just the way things are, but I couldn't help the team out and I felt very excluded. It seemed like I was out-classed in my entire life and it scared me. I didn't know anybody at all, and I am terribly shy when I meet a new group of people. I kind of responded by drawing away and going solo. Pretty much for an entire year.

Eventually, I got my act together and found activities and stuff that I enjoyed. Classes got more interesting, or at least, I found a group of people to suffer through them together with. By junior year I had hit my stride and got comfortable with my life.

Medical school seems very similar. I came in with all these grand plans of being outgoing (or at least, less shy) and finding a place and stuff. Of course, I got homesick, and collegesick, and missed everyone and was intimidated by my new classmates and pulled back again. I was out-classed academically, and worst of all, didn't have a niche. No group of friends, no jobs, no familiar profs, no favorite stores or running routes...nada. It was back to square one and I had forgotten how much that sucked over the last three years of undergrad.

Fortunately, things are coming together more quickly this time, I have a several good friends in the city. I have a job that I enjoy. And I feel like I might manage to integrate myself into the class a little better. I am torn over the extracurricular thing...Maybe I should get more involved with community service and the myriad of leadership roles in the school. But, I kind of just don't want to. I am giving up the lion's share of my summer to volunteering.

Also, I don't want to burn out. It seems like a lot of the "bad doctor" examples I've seen come from complacency and laziness. After years and years of training, people get tired, they get angry at the hours and constant demands and then they get sloppy. I'm in this for the long haul, so I am making time for myself. I refuse to stress out. This isn't just an excuse to slack off - although I don't think substituting a 12 hour day for a 16 hour day is that lazy - I really think that it's important to maintain outside hobbies and relax occasionally instead of working myself into the ground. So, that's why I'm training for my third marathon instead of spending afternoons at the free clinics.

Just suddenly felt like I needed to justify that to myself.